Relationship Problems -
Turning Conflict Into Caresses
How To Turn Conflict Into Caresses!
Mostly, when conflict arises in a
relationship, we revert to the emotional age of 9 year olds and tend to
battle it out instinctively. However, there are rules for winning at
conflict as a couple. Try these out and see what you think!
The first rule of conflict is this: conflict happens!
Look! Your mate is an
individual with wants, desires, needs, viewpoints, opinions, prejudices,
likes and dislikes of their own. So too are you. This is good! If you
married the same person as you, you'd be bored pretty quickly. Just because
you got into a relationship or got married, doesn't mean you agree to give
up the differences between you. So, one of the first principles for dealing
well with conflict is
Conflict happens!
Conflict is healthy.
Why? Understand that the
person you're in love with has viewpoints and priorities that aren't always
your own. You share each others lives, but you aren't the same people.
Relationship breakdowns will occur. Because of this, conflict will happen.
If you don't panic and try to dominate or run from your mate, you've already
made a big first step.
You can say "Oh,
marvelous, we have a conflict in our relationship! This is a sign of two
mature adults with different views having a great relationship!"
If you can learn to
breathe when you have conflict, and it may take you a long time to learn
this, you are on the road to dealing well with conflict. You love your
mate, you sometimes want/demand different things, you get to deal with it in
a relationship.
The next thing about
conflict is to understand that we all have "Low Road Emotional Responses"
that tend to happen automatically. Before we know it, rather automatically,
·
We scream.
·
We swear.
·
We storm off and
slam doors.
·
We walk off
brusquely without saying another word.
·
We express by word
and gesture contempt for our mate.
·
We start crying.
·
We act like
Neanderthals
·
We argue.
·
We act mortally
wounded in some way.
·
We insult our mate
or put them down.
Those are the automatic
behaviors we have all seen around conflict. So the second rule to dealing
with conflict powerfully is to understand that
Conflict Causes Crappy Conduct!
Inappropriate behaviors
will happen because conflict and disagreement is emotionally charged and we
react emotionally, not rationally, as a first move.
So if your mate tells you
to f* off and go f* yourself and storms away from you, all of that is
inappropriate. All of us hate it when someone yells at us or stalks away
from us or clams up on us or treats us with contempt. Yuuuck!
Conflict erupts, one or
both of you behaves poorly, automatically, emotionally, and irrationally.
There is the swearing or the contempt or the locked doors and emotions tend
to spiral even further out of control. "How dare you talk/treat me like
that! I HATE YOU!"
Then we all take several
hours or days to let go of the insults and to allow time to heal it some and
we limp back together, both of us licking our wounds. You know this
pattern. We all do it in some form or another. All it really means is that
Conflict Causes Crappy
Conduct, doesn't it?
(There's a world shaking
revelation, huh?) We all keep feeling/thinking "If my mate really loved me,
they wouldn't treat me this way!" And we get all indignant and more hurt and
wounded. But the fact of the matter, as proven by you and your family
countless times, is that conflict happens, and it causes crappy conduct.
Doesn't matter if you love your mom or dad or spouse or child, conflict will
happen, and it will often cause crappy conduct.
That's rule number two
for dealing capably with conflict. Understanding this is important because
it sets us up for the next healing rule with conflict.
If you understand that
conflict will happen, and you understand that it will often cause crappy
conduct, then you can begin to have room for one of the most powerful rules
for healing conflict.
Rule Three for Conflict: Don't take it too personally!
That's easy for me to
say, I wasn't the one there when the crappy conduct erupted all over you. I
didn't listen to the insults and high volume screaming and the breaking of
the dishes at my feet. I didn't have to put up with the wall of silence or
the hatred, you did!
But we've already
discussed, conflict causes crappy conduct. It's emotional, and it's primal,
and people get nasty and mean and vicious and hateful, don't they? Of
course they do. I do, you do, we all do. You may be one of the
perpetrators of the crappy conduct, or the victim, depending on the time and
the triggers, but we all get kinda psycho around conflict.
The key is to simply
understand we all go psycho for only a short time! For the five
minutes of the conflict we may act like raging maniacs, posturing and
threatening and screaming and being hideous. Or maybe its for an hour or
so. But the crappy conduct only occurs for a finite duration (if it is
chronic, that is not conflict, and should not be tolerated, and you must
leave or see a therapist immediately) and then it's over.
An hour after the
conflict, or a day, or a few days at most, we often feel a bit sheepish,
don't we? "I can't believe I acted that way. I can't believe I really said
that to him." If we were the perpetrators, the attackers, we tend to feel
somewhat uncomfortable after a while. Time gives us a perspective, we think
more rationally and less emotionally, and we are often
Embarrassed
by the behavior we
displayed. We're kinda sorry that we did it, usually. If we were the
victim in the conflict, the one that got dumped on, abused, threatened and "contempted,"
we won't feel sheepish so much as afraid and wounded and righteous. "that
son of a bitch can't talk to me like that!" But after a few days we start
to relax a bit from the victim role, we start to let it go some.
Whatever the responses
during and after the conflict, you might begin to see that
all of us have "low road" emotional responses during conflict, and
afterwards we start to get some perspective and wish we hadn't reacted
either as victims or as perpetrators.
Time itself will cause us
to relax some and get some perspective. You, however, can hurry this up by
trying on rule three for dealing capably with conflict:
Don't take it too
personally that you take it personally.
You're gonna take it
personally. But only for a while. And you can shorten the while and start
to chuckle about conflict after a few minutes, with a little practice.
Okay, this email is
getting a bit long, so we'll quickly run through the rest of the Healthy
Conflict Rules. At this point, if you understand that conflict happens,
that is isn't bad, and it doesn't mean you have a bad relationship, that is
a very valuable insight to have. Further, not only does conflict happen, it
causes crappy conduct.
We all have "low road"
emotional responses to conflict. We all take it personally. And, if you
can understand that, you can really start to not take it so personally that
you take it personally!
Because tomorrow's
Relationship Insight is going to move on from conflict to other valuable
relationship insights in different areas, here are some of the other "rules"
for healthy conflict.
Rule #4: There is no
weakness in forgiveness. Either
asking for forgiveness, if you started the fight, or offering it, if your
mate started it. For most issues, you'll eventually forgive, so by not
taking it personally you can begin to forgive "quicker." For some issues
(cheating, for example) you'll need some other tools to help get to
forgiveness which we'll consider later.
Rule #5 End the Cold
War! Reconnect with your mate as
soon as you've both calmed down some. Don't let hatreds and anger and fears
and distance simmer and grow between you. Just saying "I'm sorry we fought,
is there anything else you need to say about it for now?" can be a bridge
that will allow you to reconnect. There are other ways, but reconnecting is
important.
Rule #6 If necessary,
Communicate to Resolve the Issue.
Sometimes you can let a fight go, other times it is over an issue that will
keep coming up. One of the most powerful ways to begin to deal
successfully with recurring conflict is to ask your mate first "What about
this problem is most important to you?" That way, rather than you trying to
voice your viewpoint first, you get theirs and they will feel more heard and
understood. Then, go for a win-win compromise or resolution.
There is obviously a lot
more to this subject, but the issue of conflict and how to deal with it well
is key to developing your Relationship Intelligence. Keep studying and
learn all you can from watching Oprah, reading books and articles, and
practicing the above rules when you are fighting with your mate. You'll
probably get lots of opportunities to become an expert!!
And, if you wish to take
an in depth course on Turning Conflict Into Caresses, there is a course
called
The Train Your Mate System for Having The
Relationship You Want.
There are lots of relationship skills you can
learn to truly help you move towards Having the Relationship You Want.
Click here to find out more.
Thanks again,
John Laney
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