|
|
 |
Fix Relationship Problems - Stop Conflict Damage! Something about conflict to understand is that we all have "Low Road Emotional Responses" that tend to happen automatically. Before we know it, rather automatically,
· We scream. · We swear. · We storm off and slam doors. · We walk off brusquely without saying another word. · We express by word and gesture contempt for our mate. · We start crying. · We act like Neanderthals · We argue. · We act mortally wounded in some way. · We insult our mate or put them down.
Those are the automatic behaviors we have all seen around conflict. So the second rule to dealing with conflict powerfully is to understand that
Conflict Causes Crappy Conduct!
Inappropriate behaviors will happen because conflict and disagreement is emotionally charged and we react emotionally, not rationally, as a first move.
So if your mate tells you to f* off and go f* yourself and storms away from you, all of that is inappropriate. All of us hate it when someone yells at us or stalks away from us or clams up on us or treats us with contempt. Yuuuck!
Conflict erupts, one or both of you behaves poorly, automatically, emotionally, and irrationally. There is the swearing or the contempt or the locked doors and emotions tend to spiral even further out of control. "How dare you talk/treat me like that! I HATE YOU!"
Then we all take several hours or days to let go of the insults and to allow time to heal it some and we limp back together, both of us licking our wounds. You know this pattern. We all do it in some form or another. All it really means is that
Conflict Causes Crappy Conduct, doesn't it?
(There's a world shaking revelation, huh?) We all keep feeling/thinking "If my mate really loved me, they wouldn't treat me this way!" And we get all indignant and more hurt and wounded. But the fact of the matter, as proven by you and your family countless times, is that conflict happens, and it causes crappy conduct. Doesn't matter if you love your mom or dad or spouse or child, conflict will happen, and it will often cause crappy conduct.
That's rule number two for dealing capably with conflict. Understanding this is important because it sets us up for the next healing rule with conflict.
If you understand that conflict will happen, and you understand that it will often cause crappy conduct, then you can begin to have room for one of the most powerful rules for healing conflict.
Rule Three for Conflict: Don't take it too personally!
That's easy for me to say, I wasn't the one there when the crappy conduct erupted all over you. I didn't listen to the insults and high volume screaming and the breaking of the dishes at my feet. I didn't have to put up with the wall of silence or the hatred, you did!
But we've already discussed, conflict causes crappy conduct. It's emotional, and it's primal, and people get nasty and mean and vicious and hateful, don't they? Of course they do. I do, you do, we all do. You may be one of the perpetrators of the crappy conduct, or the victim, depending on the time and the triggers, but we all get kinda psycho around conflict.
The key is to simply understand we all go psycho for only a short time! For the five minutes of the conflict we may act like raging maniacs, posturing and threatening and screaming and being hideous. Or maybe its for an hour or so. But the crappy conduct only occurs for a finite duration (if it is chronic, that is not conflict, and should not be tolerated, and you must leave or see a therapist immediately) and then it's over.
An hour after the conflict, or a day, or a few days at most, we often feel a bit sheepish, don't we? "I can't believe I acted that way. I can't believe I really said that to him." If we were the perpetrators, the attackers, we tend to feel somewhat uncomfortable after a while. Time gives us a perspective, we think more rationally and less emotionally, and we are often
Embarrassed
by the behavior we displayed. We're kinda sorry that we did it, usually. If we were the victim in the conflict, the one that got dumped on, abused, threatened and "contempted," we won't feel sheepish so much as afraid and wounded and righteous. "that son of a bitch can't talk to me like that!" But after a few days we start to relax a bit from the victim role, we start to let it go some.
Whatever the responses during and after the conflict, you might begin to see that all of us have "low road" emotional responses during conflict, and afterwards we start to get some perspective and wish we hadn't reacted either as victims or as perpetrators.
Time itself will cause us to relax some and get some perspective. You, however, can hurry this up by trying on rule three for dealing capably with conflict:
Don't take it too personally that you take it personally.
You're gonna take it personally. But only for a while. And you can shorten the while and start to chuckle about conflict after a few minutes, with a little practice.
Okay, this email is getting a bit long, so we'll quickly run through the rest of the Healthy Conflict Rules. At this point, if you understand that conflict happens, that is isn't bad, and it doesn't mean you have a bad relationship, that is a very valuable insight to have. Further, not only does conflict happen, it causes crappy conduct.
We all have "low road" emotional responses to conflict. We all take it personally. And, if you can understand that, you can really start to not take it so personally that you take it personally!
Because tomorrow's Relationship Insight is going to move on from conflict to other valuable relationship insights in different areas, here are some of the other "rules" for healthy conflict.
Rule #4: There is no weakness in forgiveness. Either asking for forgiveness, if you started the fight, or offering it, if your mate started it. For most issues, you'll eventually forgive, so by not taking it personally you can begin to forgive "quicker." For some issues (cheating, for example) you'll need some other tools to help get to forgiveness which we'll consider later.
Rule #5 End the Cold War! Reconnect with your mate as soon as you've both calmed down some. Don't let hatreds and anger and fears and distance simmer and grow between you. Just saying "I'm sorry we fought, is there anything else you need to say about it for now?" can be a bridge that will allow you to reconnect. There are other ways, but reconnecting is important.
Rule #6 If necessary, Communicate to Resolve the Issue. Sometimes you can let a fight go, other times it is over an issue that will keep coming up. One of the most powerful ways to begin to deal successfully with recurring conflict is to ask your mate first "What about this problem is most important to you?" That way, rather than you trying to voice your viewpoint first, you get theirs and they will feel more heard and understood. Then, go for a win-win compromise or resolution.
There is obviously a lot more to this subject, but the issue of conflict and how to deal with it well is key to developing your Relationship Intelligence. Keep studying and learn all you can from watching Oprah, reading books and articles, and practicing the above rules when you are fighting with your mate. You'll probably get lots of opportunities to become an expert!!
And, if you wish to take an in depth course on Turning Conflict Into Caresses, there is a course called The Train Your Mate System for Having The Relationship You Want. There are lots of relationship skills you can learn to truly help you move towards Having the Relationship You Want. Click here to find out more.
Thanks again, John Laney
|
|
© Relationship Insights, All Rights
Reserved. By entering your email address you are requesting and agreeing Contact Us | Privacy Policy | Train Your Mate Book Free Love Insights Course Love Advice News Top Three Love Fixes Stop Relationship Drift Turn Conflict Around Stopping Relationship Damage Dealing Well With Conflict sitemap 4loveadvice depression help get ex back relationship advice help marriage advice emotional skills
|
||