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Fix Relationship Problems - Deal Well With Conflict Another rule for dealing well with conflict: Don't take it too personally!
That's easy for me to say, I wasn't the one there when the crappy conduct erupted all over you. I didn't listen to the insults and high volume screaming and the breaking of the dishes at my feet. I didn't have to put up with the wall of silence or the hatred, you did!
But we've already discussed, conflict causes crappy conduct. It's emotional, and it's primal, and people get nasty and mean and vicious and hateful, don't they? Of course they do. I do, you do, we all do. You may be one of the perpetrators of the crappy conduct, or the victim, depending on the time and the triggers, but we all get kinda psycho around conflict.
The key is to simply understand we all go psycho for only a short time! For the five minutes of the conflict we may act like raging maniacs, posturing and threatening and screaming and being hideous. Or maybe its for an hour or so. But the crappy conduct only occurs for a finite duration (if it is chronic, that is not conflict, and should not be tolerated, and you must leave or see a therapist immediately) and then it's over.
An hour after the conflict, or a day, or a few days at most, we often feel a bit sheepish, don't we? "I can't believe I acted that way. I can't believe I really said that to him." If we were the perpetrators, the attackers, we tend to feel somewhat uncomfortable after a while. Time gives us a perspective, we think more rationally and less emotionally, and we are often
Embarrassed
by the behavior we displayed. We're kinda sorry that we did it, usually. If we were the victim in the conflict, the one that got dumped on, abused, threatened and "contempted," we won't feel sheepish so much as afraid and wounded and righteous. "that son of a bitch can't talk to me like that!" But after a few days we start to relax a bit from the victim role, we start to let it go some.
Whatever the responses during and after the conflict, you might begin to see that all of us have "low road" emotional responses during conflict, and afterwards we start to get some perspective and wish we hadn't reacted either as victims or as perpetrators.
Time itself will cause us to relax some and get some perspective. You, however, can hurry this up by trying on rule three for dealing capably with conflict:
Don't take it too personally that you take it personally.
You're gonna take it personally. But only for a while. And you can shorten the while and start to chuckle about conflict after a few minutes, with a little practice.
Okay, this email is getting a bit long, so we'll quickly run through the rest of the Healthy Conflict Rules. At this point, if you understand that conflict happens, that is isn't bad, and it doesn't mean you have a bad relationship, that is a very valuable insight to have. Further, not only does conflict happen, it causes crappy conduct.
We all have "low road" emotional responses to conflict. We all take it personally. And, if you can understand that, you can really start to not take it so personally that you take it personally!
There is obviously a lot more to this subject, but the issue of conflict and how to deal with it well is key to developing your Relationship Intelligence. Keep studying and learn all you can from watching Oprah, reading books and articles, and practicing the above rules when you are fighting with your mate. You'll probably get lots of opportunities to become an expert!!
And, if you wish to take an in depth course on Turning Conflict Into Caresses, there is a course called The Train Your Mate System for Having The Relationship You Want. There are lots of relationship skills you can learn to truly help you move towards Having the Relationship You Want. Click here to find out more.
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